.. . . the first thing you do in the morning is check your critter trap, and you're disappointed when it is empty.

. . . you scratch your butt at night and smell your hand in the morning.

. . . you've ever had to put on a pair of boots to go to the bathroom.

. . . your deer stand has an address.

. . . you and your dog have the same toilet.

. . . there is anyone named Cletus in your family.

. . . you've ever attended a Gun and Knife show as a dealer.

. . . you have a motor swinging from a tree in your yard, a dog tied to the fence post, and someone sitting in a rocking chair that's over 75 and has a Remington 12 gauge ,a spit cup, and Copenhagen in the back pocket.

. . . you have a peeing contest with your wife and she wins.

. . . you have a tattoo that says "I Love My Mommy" and mommy is spelled wrong.

. . . you shop-lift from Goodwill.

. . . you know what a jockey lot is and you go more than once a week

. . . you're on a date and you see a childhood friend and you tell your date "she is like my sister" and that makes her worried.

. . . you refuse to shave or bathe until you've bagged your first deer of the season.

. . . your first name consists of initials.

. . . you nick-name children "possum" and "critter."

. . . you wear camouflage pants with a plaid flannel shirt and combat boots.

. . . you call your wife "ma" and want her to call you "pa."

. . . Hank Williams, Jr. is your hero.

. . . you use the word "man" at least four times in each sentence you speak.

. . . you carry a gun to the store "just in case the car breaks down and a stranger approaches to help."

. . . you spray crawling bugs with hair spray and light them on fire with a lighter.

. . . directions to your house include "turn off the paved road"

. . . you have ever used spit tobacco as a fish attractant.

. . . you call toilet paper a leaf and a toilet a bucket.

. . . you have used a rag as a gas cap

. . . your 5 year old calls your mother MOM and YOU Debbie.

. . . your own farts don't seem to smell so bad.

. . . you know exactly how long it takes for pizza to get fuzzy in the fridge.

. . . you have an aunt-mom and uncle dad.

. . . you had your own parking space in Jr High.

. . . you have a "church" cap.

. . . you pull the legs off of fly's then toss them into the air to see how long it takes them to "crash land".

. . . your idea of the newspaper is a 14 year old copy of Dog Fancy.

. . . your mom is your sister, aunt and your dads mother.

. . . your house has more miles on it than your car does.

. . . your old toilet now serves as a flower pot in your front yard.

. . . you made your fishing pole out of popsicle sticks.

. . . you have to fill your toilet up with lake water to use the bathroom.

. . . your computer don't work because the cat ate the mouse.

. . . you think a lava lamp is erotic

. . . your bathroom is 50 feet away from your house.

. . . your husband is going out hunting and puts on urine and it turns you on.

. . . you think a date is going out mooning people.

. . . you took your sister/brother to the prom.

. . . you think dressing up is putting on all your camo.

. . . you keep all your guns in a fire-proof locked safe and everything else out in the open.

. . . you have a bumper sticker that says, "Kiss the crack below my back."

. . . your idea of camping in the woods is inviting the family over and pitching a couple of tents in the back yard.

. . . you have to watch for cow patties when you play golf.

. . . your lawn tractor has a better paint job than your car.

. . . your lawn mower is a goat.

. . . you can eat an ear of corn and spell "Home Sweet Home" on it.

. . . you base the purchase of a refrigerator on how many cases of beer it holds.

. . . your children look more like your brothers-in-law than your husband you are worried that he might notice.

. . . you make your dogs sleep on top of the house in the rain because you can't afford to patch the roof.

. . . you go to a drive through the person at the window asks you to shut off your engine because it's too loud.

. . . you go to a drive through you have to open your door because your window hasn't rolled down in 5 years.

. . . you get turned on when your wife/girlfriend shoots an armidillo.

. . . your daughter thinks she a reincarnation of Xena because she has nightmares about her.

. . . you tell everyone your wife is the reincarnation of Ares, the god of war.

. . . you buy your wife camouflage lingerie.

. . . you borrow a sleeveless T-shirt from your Mom.

. . . your living room furniture doubles as your camping gear.

. . . you have to steal your neighbor's paper to see what the date is or you are out of toilet paper.

. . . you can grunt like a deer and you are proud of it.

. . . when you think of the planet Saturn you think of your mother-in-law at the same time.

. . . your way of seeing if you need to bathe is by sticking your hand between your butt cheeks and smelling it.

. . . you rake your carpet because the sweeper motor is being used for your truck.

. . . you have a working television on top of a broken one.

. . . the gazebo in your yard is bigger than your trailer.

. . . you have a pallet in your yard with tires stacked on it.

. . . your garage is so full you can't park your car in it.

. . . you spent more money on Clint Black shirt as a souvenir  than on your whole wardrobe.

. . . you have two pairs of jeans, and six pairs of boots.

. . . your front yard has any broken appliances in it.

. . . you have gotten a warning to remove vehicles from your own back yard.

. . . you ever say "oh yeah I can fix it".

. . . your favorite night of the week is the night before trash day.

. . . your truck has any Bondo on it.

. . . your car has more than three bumper stickers with the word Jesus on them.

. . . no matter how you clean your hands, the dirt under your nails won't come off.

. . . you think that duct tape works better than spot welding.

. . . you go to strip joints for family reunions

. . . you re-use dental floss to save money.

. . . you can't work on Thursday night or you'll miss smack-down.

. . . you won't get your dog "fixed" because you never know when someone might want him to stud.

. . . Friday night is "sneak into the drive-in night".

. . . you have an air-conditioner on your front porch.

. . . you slam your truck's door and your 12 gauge makes a new sun roof.

. . . you have stuffed heads from the following: deer, a moose, a mallard, a Siamese cat, a largemouth bass, and your mother-in-law.

. . . that white tailed deer is being paid 10 bucks an hour to stand on a ladder behind your wall and stick his head in.

. . . your dad pees on a rabbit's head while peeing off the back porch

. . . your dogs kill more animals than you do all hunting season

. . . you and your son compete for the only single gal in town with all her teeth.

. . . you watch Jerry Springer to see if any of your relatives are on the show today.

. . . your table cloth is a bed sheet.

. . . your whole wardrobe is work boots & camouflage

. . . the landscaping in your front yard is broken down cars.

. . . you drive your tractor along the high way.

. . . your family reunions consist of ex-wives.

. . . you need a truck to move your barbecue.

. . . your toenails stick out the end of your tennis shoes.

. . . you let your 12 year old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front of her kids.

. . . you have 10 cars in your front yard and only one of them isn't on blocks and the engine works.

. . . you take a six-pack cooler to church.

. . . you bum a pinch of chew from your girlfriend.

. . . you have a sign hanging in your living room that says "We interrupt this marriage to bring you deer season"

. . . you look both ways before crossing a one way street.

. . . you drive through your car port to park your blue Pinto in  the backyard

. . . your birthday cake consisted of nothing but Twinkies.

. . . you shave your beard and find a french fry.

. . . you have ever asked your dad for the keys to his Mack.

. . . you can entertain yourself for more then an hour with a fly swatter.

. . . your truck is stolen and sold by your mother to buy beer and Copenhagen.

. . . your CB antenna on your truck doubles as your cane pole.

. . . you tip the waiter with change.

. . . your honeymoon was featured on true stories of the highway patrol.

. . . you think 401k is your mother-in-law's bra size.

. . . instead of buying your girlfriend candy and flowers, you spray paint her name on an overpass.

. . . you think 2 Pac Shakur is a Jewish holiday.

. . . your local yellow pages has only 3 sections: places to get cigarettes, place to get liquor, and places to get bait.

. . . the library in your city ran out of the book "The ABC's of Belching".

. . . the seats in your car are also your living room furniture

. . . you had to buy an 18-Wheeler for family vacations.

. . . you have a Rebel flag in your front yard!

. . . you have your TV on top of empty beer cans and call it recycling.

. . . your dishwasher consists of kids that you baby-sit.

. . . you think that the apple com-pu-ter is the latest in new fangled tech-o-nol-o-gee.

. . . the newspaper (the business) is the community toilet paper

. . . the town policeman stops by so much, you know his 5th grade GPA.

. . . your airplane cost you less than 15 hundred bucks and uses two stroke oil.

. . . you say "I tell you wut!" more than 3 times a day.

. . . your daddy's last words were "Hey ya'll look what I can do!"

. . . your lawn furniture was in your house last summer.

. . . your car uses more oil than gas.

. . . you have ever used a turkey baster bulb to get something out of your ear.

. . . your dog wants you to be the girl tonight.

. . . you use the car that is broken down in the driveway as a tool shed.

. . . fine dining is the Waffle House.

. . . you've ever been in a fist fight with your best friend because he said his John Deere will out pull your Farmall.

. . . your dog has a litter of puppies on your living room floor and no one notices.

. . . you fall in love with a girl and write "I Love You" using duck tape.

. . . you think "harass" are two words.

. . . your race car looks and runs better than your own car.

. . . you get drunk while mowing the grass.

. . . you have a beer cooler on your riding lawn mower.

. . . you have ever opened a beer bottle with your truck door.

. . . hot dogs and pork-n-beans are your favorite Sunday night dinner.

. . . your hair is five times as long in the back as it is on top.

. . . you put mud grips on your new Cadillac.

. . . your Mama yells, "Close the screen door boy, you're letting all the bugs out!"

. . . you have no idea who the President is but you can name five NASCAR drivers in a single belch.

. . . you actually know what "puked a motor" means.

. . . you've ever been in a fist fight involving the phrase "Dale Earnhardt is the Intimidator".

. . . you think 7-11 is a grocery store.

. . . your kids fall down in the house and get grass stains.

. . . you have to slide out of the passenger side of your truck because the driver's side door is jammed.

. . . if the dashboard of your work vehicle is covered with empty cigarette cartons and Mountain Dew bottles

. . . your Daddy picks you up from school in a Swamp Buggy.

. . . you refer to Wal-Mart as going to the mall.

. . . your sister/brother is also your cousin.

. . . your wife wears a dress on Sunday and one of you're flannel shirts over it.

. . . you go into an auto parts store and tell them you need a part for your Chevy and when they ask you make and model you answer, "They're all the same."

. . . you go coon hunting with a spot light instead of a dog.

. . . you hunt deer from a moving vehicle.

. . . your wife's deer head hanging on the wall is bigger than yours.

. . . you take your wife fishing and she out fishes you and all your buddies.

. . . your wife can out drink you or any of your friends and is willing to prove it.

. . . your wife can belch louder than you can.

. . . you consider yourself the black sheep of the family because you are the only one not living in a trailer house.

. . . your mama spends more money fixing up her old trailer house than it cost to build a new brick home.

. . . your mama has more gadgets and accessories on her pickup truck than you do.

. . . you got more antennas on your truck than the local TV station.

. . . you call a chicken a yard bird.

. . . you get a ticket cause you got a confederate flag as a front license plate.

. . . the police are lookin for you in a brown truck so you wiped off the mud a bit so they wouldn't recognize you.

. . . you see your grandmother naked and it turns you on.

. . . you have a transmission in your bathtub.

. . . you're home schooled and you date someone in your class.

. . . your Mama was ever asked to leave a Bingo game because of her language.

. . . you've ever put a tarp in the bed of your truck to use it as a swimming pool.

. . . you finally mow your front lawn and you find the pickup truck that you thought was stolen.

. . . you know exactly how many cans of spray paint it takes to paint a 1976 full size Chevy truck.

. . . the biggest city you've ever been to is Wal-Mart.

. . . you have a complete set of salad bowls and they all say cool whip on the side.

. . . you think a TV dinner consists of a RC Cola and a moonpie.

. . . you join the army for the free uniform.

. . . you wash your truck in a mud puddle.

. . . you spend more time with you truck than your family.

. . . your kids eat on the floor while your dogs eat at the table.

. . . your 80 year old grandma can shoot better than you.

. . . you have ever peed in the sink because your mom was hogging up      the outhouse.

. . . your beer can pyramid is taller than your trailer.

. . . you have to mow the hoods of your cars

. . . you put a sign up that says Billy Bob & Sally's wedding
      on a cardboard sign in spray paint nailed to a tree.

. . . you have ever surrendered to the police in exchange for cigarettes.

. . . you think "manual labor" is a Spanish ambassador.

. . . you have ever had to gift-wrap a tire.

. . . your dog's collar costs more than the clothes you are wearing.

. . . your kid learns to shoot a gun before he learns his alphabet.

. . . you divorced your 1st. cousin, married your 2nd. cousin and are cheating with your 3rd. cousin.

. . . you found a toy boat in your toilet when you were taking a bath and started playing with it.

. . . you dust furniture with underwear.

. . . you sat on your roof with a loaded gun waiting for twelve midnight to roll around on Y2K.

. . . your whole yard has chickens and cows in it.

. . . you not only pass the beans at the supper table but your teeth so Billy Bob can chew them also.

. . . you give Tic-Tacs out at Christmas instead of candy canes.

. . . you have the same meal for a week straight.

. . . you've got a tab at your local Liquor Store.

. . . your father marries someone with the same last name as yours

. . . you've ever driven a tractor to a family reunion.

. . . you buy something you already have.

. . . you're trying to start a 16 hp motor and your shed catches on fire.

. . . you think garbage picking' is a hobby.

. . . your grandmother has to be taken out of bingo because of her language.

. . . your wedding cake was made by Sara Lee.

. . . the figures on your wedding cake wore overalls

. . . you have to change gears in your pickup by opening the hood and moving the gear arm, then jump back in before the truck drives off without you.

. . . your screen name is John Deere

. . . you think the unibomber was a wrestler.

. . . you think the quarterhorse is the ride outside of Wal-Mart.

. . . you've ever gotten a "lap" dance from your sister!

. . . the fairground's main attraction is to see who can throw cow pie the farthest

. . . you take your dog on more vacations than your wife!

. . . the bouqet at your wedding was stolen from a cemetary.

. . . your only time spent sober is the time spent getting another 6 pack.

. . . your house doesn't have curtains but your truck does.. . .

     you decorate the lawn mower with red Christmas lights at Halloween.

. . . you think Iraq is a high performance Camaro.

. . . your pocket knife has ever been referred too as Exhibit A.

. . . your Sunday vest is green and consists of three different fishin' lures.

. . . you think that "loaden up the dishwasher" means getting your wife     drunk.

. . . your pick-up is at least 3 colors.

. . . all of the light switches in your house are wired to turn on the light on the front porch.

. . . you think coming from a broken home means your trailer has a flat.

. . . both your house and car are on blocks.

. . . you have a cow tied to the front bumper of your broken down Chevy truck as a pet

. . . you use coffee filters when you run out of toilet tissue.

. . . you think W.W.J.D stands for, "What would Junior do?"

. . . any of your children were conceived under a stop light.

. . . you name your children after the cars they were conceived in.

. . . your wife's bridal reception was at Wal-Mart.

. . . you call fast food hitting a deer at 60mph.

. . . you floss with barb wire.

. . . your tire swing has a truck still attached to it.

. . . on cold nights, your dog sleeps on the bed and your wife doesn't.

. . . you are naked on laundry day.

. . . the words NASCAR, tire, dog or shotgun appeared in your wedding vows.

. . . you pull one of your dogs loose teeth and keep it to have something to remember him by.

. . . your idea of a family cook-out is the whole family gathering around the Chevy with the hood up.

. . . your Computer has Winders 95 instead of Windows.

. . . your moms maiden name is Bubba.

. . . your sister has more hair on her legs than you do.

. . . your dog can open a beer can for you.

. . . your favorite fishing hole has more car parts in it than a junk yard.

. . . you think your sister is sexier than your wife

. . . you and your dad share the same mistress.

. . . you ever told your Mom that she looks sexy in mini skirts.

. . . your wife shaves her beard more than you shave yours.

. . . you thought Texas A&M is a root beer made in Texas.

. . . you ever had a riffle in your back at a wedding.

. . . you have a Confederate flag for bed sheets.

. . . you name your dogs after your favorite "Playboy" centerfold.

. . . you grandmother spits farther than you.

. . . you think the WWF is a romantic sport.

. . . your porn collection is also called the family videos.

. . . you have at least five hunting dogs in your bed at night.

. . . you put a corn cobb on a screwdriver and call it a back-scratcher

. . . you have a gun rack on the back of your bicycle.

. . . you get kicked out of the KKK for being a bigot.

. . . you got your pickup truck from a lake.

. . . you wore your Burger King hat to your Prom.

. . . if you think hocking loogies onto oncoming vehicles should be an Olympic sport.

. . . you get your 4-wheel drive stuck.

. . . your mechanic looks under the front of your car or truck and asks if you work for the Roadkill Cafe.

. . . you have a rebel flag displayed on your truck. (from HaulMail37311)

. . . your son Bubba J.r. uses his school locker as a gun cabinet.

. . . your Mama has failed the 3rd. grade five times.

. . . you were born and raised in a pickup truck.