. . . you clean your Mobile Home with a water hose.

. . . your front porch collapses and four dogs get killed.

. . . you’ve got more than three cousins named “Bubba”.

. . . your whole family is Democrats except little Mary. She got to readin’.

. . . you’ve ever had to siphon gas from your lawn mower to put into your truck.

. . . you have a bumper sticker that says, “My mother’s an honor student” at the local junior high.

. . . you’ve ever been to a wedding reception at the Denny's

. . . your favorite restaurant has the word “eats” anywhere in the name.

. . . you think Campho-Phenique is a miracle drug.

. . . You save used aluminum foil.

. . . you drive across town to see a car wreck.

. . . it’s impossible to see food stains on your clothes

. . . you think that anyone with ten fingers and toes is abnormal.

. . . you think a hard drive is driving more than one hour.

. . . you’ve ever taken a generator and a 27-inch TV camping.

. . . your sewage system consists of a pipe down a hillside.

. . . you wear knee-high stockings with a skirt.

. . . you have more electronic equipment in your truck than in your house.

. . . your best sofa came out of a Chevrolet.

. . . your best sofa came out of a Chevrolet.

. . . your favorite T-shirt is declared offensive in at least 13 states.

. . . you were expelled from summer school.

. . . your baby’s crib mobile is made out of beer cans.

. . . you’ve ever been asked to leave Hometown Buffet's all-you-can-eat breakfast.

. . . you’ve ever stolen toilet paper.

. . . you think the theory of relativity has something to do with inbreeding.

. . . you wake up in the morning already dressed for the day

. . . your car ashtray is so packed, you can’t get it out.

. . . you think a hot tub is a stolen bathroom fixture.

. . . you’re driving a vehicle with no original body parts.

. . . your sister is the third generation of women in your family to conceive a baby due to an alien abduction.

. . . your handkerchief doubles as your shirt sleeve.

. . . you think the ultimate beauty treatment is using Preparation-H to prevent wrinkles.

. . . you have to go outside to get something out of the fridge.

. . . three-fourths of all the clothes you own have logos on them.

. . . you can’t marry your sweetheart because there is a law against it.

. . . you’ve ever laid rubber while traveling in a funeral procession.

. . . you dated your daddy’s current wife in high school.

. . . your spare tire is a cement block.

. . . your tires are worth more than your truck.

. . . you tried to claim “loss of teeth” as an exemption on your taxes.

. . . you think beef jerky and Moon Pies are two of the major food groups.

. . . you take out a home improvement loan to buy a new camper shell.

. . . you and six of your neighbors split a cable bill.

. . . Jack Daniels makes your list of most admired people.

. . . you prefer car keys to Q-tips.

. . . you own more than three shirts with the sleeves cut off.

. . . you refer to your beer gut as “the old tool shed.”

. . . your boots cost more than your wedding ring.

. . . you’ve ever vacationed in a rest area.

. . . you proposed in a Denny’s.

. . . the passengers enter your vehicle through the driver’s-side door.

. . . you think “Chablis” is the name of last month’s Playboy centerfold.

. . . you save cooking grease in a coffee can.

. . . you inherited a Styrofoam cooler.

. . . your favorite restaurant has a gas pump in front of it.

. . . you don’t have a home phone.

. . . you think a woman who is “out of your league” bowls on a different night.

. . . you’ve ever changed the numbers on your house so the police can’t find you.

. . . your bathroom deodorizer is a box of kitchen matches.

. . . you thing “megabytes” means a good day fishing.

. . . you’ve ever picked up a woman in a convenience store.

. . . you think a lavatory is a breed of dog.

. . . you’ve ever taken a date flowers you’ve stole from a cemetery.

. . . you’ve ever relieved yourself from a moving vehicle.

. . . you use old auto parts as a boat anchor.

. . . your pickup truck and wife are the same age.

. . . you think safe sex means putting on the emergency brake.

. . . people hear your car a long time before they see it.

. . . you have ever carried leftovers home in your handbag.

. . . you think an oil change involves a comb and a bottle of Vitalis.

. . . you whistle to get the attention of your waiter or waitress.

. . . your toothbrush is a hand-me-down.

. . . you see a sign that says “dip in road” and you stop to see what flavor it is.

. . . you think a canopy goes under the bed instead of over it.

. . . you think virgin wool comes from ugly sheep.

. . . you keep catfish in your aquarium.

. . . you think truffles are a brand of potato chips.

. . . you’ve ever bought a used cap.

. . . you know all the verses to the “Hee Haw” song.

. . . your car breaks down on the side of the road and you never go back to get it.

. . . you think people who have electricity are uppity.

. . . you know how to milk a goat.

. . . you don’t need a clean shirt to go to work.

. . . you think “Hooked on Phonics” is a fishing show.

. . . your guest bedroom is also your tool shed.

. . . your third-grade class has a no-smoking section.

. . . you cut your toenails in front of company.

. . . a woman says she’s game, so you shoot her.

. . . your wife has a beer belly and you find it attractive.

. . . you ask for the honeymoon suite at the Motel 6.

. . . you use a bed sheet as a sofa cover.

. . . you use the shaving cream made for tough beards . . . and so does your husband.

. . . you regularly see kinfolks on “America’s Most Wanted.”

. . . people come to your door mistakenly thinking you have an auto salvage business.

. . . your house plants aren’t in pots.

. . . you think the stock market has a fence around it.

. . . you wear a tank top to your mother’s funeral.

. . . your front yard looks like a Toys R Us after a tornado.

. . . everything you won at the fair is hanging from your rearview mirror.

. . . you’ve ever accepted an invitation written on a bathroom wall.

. . . you secretly get your firewood from your neighbor’s yard.

. . . you wipe your feet before you walk out of your house.

. . . your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat.

. . . your best jacket has an advertisement on the back of it.

. . . your car insurance deductible is higher than the value of your car.

. . . you’ve been married three times and still have the same in-laws.

. . . your screen door has no screen.

. . . there are more dishes in your sink than in your cabinets.

. . . you tell Grandpa he has something in his teeth and he takes them out to see.

. . . your pickup truck used to be a car.

. . . you stockpile pork and beans.

. . . your daddy handed out cigarettes the day you were born.

. . . you use baling wire to keep your car door closed.

. . . you’ve ever lost your wife in a poker game.

. . . your house feels a bit lonely when winter comes and the last fly dies.

. . . you send your kid in for treatment because you think he’s hooked on phonics.

. . . the air freshener hanging in your car lost its scent more than 5 years ago.

. . . you had a receding hairline in the 6th grade.

. . . you think “social consciousness” means how well you can hold your liquor.

. . . your bring a bar of soap to a public pool.

. . . your wife puts Bean-O on everything you eat.

. . . your dog rides in the front seat and your kids ride in the back.

. . . you taught your children how to play “Pull My Finger.”

. . . the first question your mother asks upon checking into the motel is, “Where’s the nearest liquor store?”

. . . the Salvation Army comes to your house and takes the wrong furniture.

. . . you refer to your dog as your youngest.

. . . you select a date’s corsage to match her tattoo.

. . . you have three first names.

. . . turning on your lights involves pulling a string.

. . . you throw a beer can out the truck window and your wife shoots it.

. . . your garbage man is confused about what stays and what goes.

. . . for your first anniversary you take your wife to dinner McDonalds

. . . someone asks, “Where’s your bowling bag?” and you answer, “She’s at home with the kids.”

. . . you stand under the mistletoe at Christmas and wait for Granny and cousin Sue-Ellen to walk by.

. . . you get Odor-Eaters as a Christmas present.

. . . you are allowed to bring your dog to work.

. . . the flood history of your area can be seen on your living room walls.

. . . your wife has been involved in more than six barroom brawls in the last two weeks.

. . . your wife has a set of earrings that you use as a fishing lure.

. . . you fish coins out of public fountains.

. . . your neighbor has a refrigerator on his front porch stocked with beer so he won't have to get off the sofa to welcome friends.

. . . you have ever been evicted from a place you own.

. . . you stare at a can of orange juice, because it says "concentrate."

. . . you take your wife to your mistress's wedding.

. . . it took you twenty years to figure out how to add single digit numbers.

. . . you spit in the skillet to check the temperature.

. . . your father is in the same grade you are.

. . . the best 5 years of your life were in the second grade.

. . . you're on your third marriage and still have the same in-laws.

. . . your 14 year old daughter smokes at the dinner table - in front of her two kids.

. . . a full tank of gas doubles the value of your truck.

. . . your wife is so ugly you take her everywhere you go so you never have to kiss her good-bye.

. . . you ever fly a kite with a fishing pole.

. . . you have more than 5 fast food bags in your car.

. . . your divorce granted from first wife and your license to wed to your second wife are in the same newspaper.

. . . you stop picking your nose in traffic long enough to wink at the girl next to you.

. . . your daughter gets married before you do.

. . . when finally mowing your lawn, you find an engine block you didn't know was there.

. . . you've ever asked a priest why he's wearing that sissy turtleneck.

. . . your momma makes two turkeys for Thanksgiving, one for the family and the other for the dogs.

. . . your ashtray is too full, so you use the floor.

. . . your dad plays "the pull my finger" joke at family gatherings.

. . . you think the internet is something you use fishing.

. . . when someone asks to see your kids you show them the goats.

. . . your idea of home security is keeping all the guns loaded.

. . . you're at a family reunion and you wear a shirt that says, "I'm related to you!!!"

. . . you know which leaf is best to use when you're out of toilet paper.

. . . when you brought your baby home, it slept in a dresser drawer.

. . . your Halloween jack-o-lantern has more teeth than your wife.

. . . you are the youngest in the family and the first to graduate.

. . . you think think the phrase "chicken out" means one of your pets has escaped.

. . . you refer to your wife and mother-in-law as "dual air bags."

. . . you bring a video camera to a funeral.

. . . you have ever mowed the grass and found a car.

. . . you have more than 3 family members by the name of Billy Bob.

. . . you swallow a minnow just to impress the lady cashier at the local bait shop.

. . . you flick rubber bands at cock roaches.

. . . you wait all night to shoot one mouse with your grandma's BB gun.

. . . you take your car to the repair shop to have the donut tires rotated.

. . . you make change in the offering plate.

. . . you can recite your vowels in one burp.

. . . you practice your cow chip throwing techniques while they're still fresh.

. . . you take a bag to an All-You-Can-Eat bar.

. . . you use your native language, to cuss at your kids, to cover up the fact that you are a redneck in your native country.

. . . your favorite stick is your fishing pole.

. . . your favorite shoes were bought at a yard sale

. . . your bathroom is your favorite make-out place.

. . . none of these jokes are making sense to you.

. . . you use your weed whacker as a toothpick.

. . . your wreath is made out of beer cans.

. . . you learned the alphabet by eating Campbell's alphabet soup.

. . . your engine is duct-taped to your car.

. . . your outhouse is in your front yard.

. . . you wear your Mom's dress that she wore at her funeral.

. . . you clean your toilet with the tooth brush that you use every day.

. . . you have sheep in your backyard because they never, ever tell.

. . . your favorite song is --------Old McDonald!!!!!

. . . your toilet seat says "Sit Here".

. . . PMS stands for "Parent Medical System."

. . . you bathe your cat in the toilet.

. . . you use your shower curtain as your Prom dress.

. . . you use your shoe as a tobacco can.

. . . you use your water gun as a shower sprayer.

. . . you use your boxers as a surrender flag.

. . . your transportation is your boat.

. . . your favorite place is your deerstand.

. . . you think dingle berries are a fruit.

. . . you strung Christmas lights on an old truck parked in your yard.

. . . the tailgate on your truck is also your lawn furniture.

. . . your at a family reunion, your mother-in-law goes to the bathroom and then says, "Y'all come look at this 'fore I flush it."

. . . you had to call the police department to get your flare gun back.

. . . you use the CD-ROM drive on your computer to hold your beer.

. . . you own more than 5 trucks that you need ladders to get into.

. . . you have a piece of cardboard that says "No Trespassing" beside your front door.

. . . your wife's idea of a sanitary napkin is one of your dirty work socks left beside the toilet.

. . . you always start a story with "Y'all aint gonna believe this!"

. . . you think that "Winnie-the-Pooh" is something your Granny just left on the rug.

. . . you have three kids named: Peggy Sue, Peggy Jean, & Billy Bob.

. . . your truck has a variety or different make of parts (ex. Chevy radiator, Dodge starter, Ford body).

. . . you eat your daily road-kill out of the same dirty bowl every night.

. . . you bring home from school a certificate as "The Best Reader in the Fourth Grade" for three years in a row.

. . . your pick-up has four new tires and none of them are the same size.

. . . you go to the bank for a loan and the loan officer asks to see the stock you have listed as collateral, so you bring in the three hogs you bought last month at the auction.

. . . your life savings is buried in your back yard.

. . . you walk the ends off your jeans instead of hemming them.

. . . you thought the Y2K Bug was a new species of insect.

. . . you buy your china as a grocery store special every week.

. . . you  use left-over house paint to paint your car.

. . . you use mason jars to make lamps.

. . . your grandma gives you a wedding present wrapped in Christmas paper.

. . . you can see all your family members when you're in your own bed.

. . . your dad guts one of the old TV's for a another knick-knack shelf.

. . . you think beef stroganoff is when the bull is playing with himself.

. . . the other 13 trailers out back of yours belong to your children and their families.

. . . your 2-year old has more teeth than you do.

. . . your dog can smoke a cigarette.

. . . you think "Old Yeller" refers to your brother's tooth.

. . . you have a house that's mobile and 16 cars that aren't.

. . . you have more than 4 vehicles up on blocks in your yard.

. . . you buy a padded headboard to practice safe sex.

. . . you've been on TV more than 5 times describing what the tornado sounded like.

. . . your best laundry bag is made by Hefty.

. . . you've ever worn a tie with a flannel shirt.

. . . someone accuses you of lying through your tooth.

. . . you were allowed to drink beer and date the teacher all through high school.

. . . you painted your truck camouflage and now you can't find it.

. . . you've ever sold your car for gas money.

. . . you've ever picked up your girlfriend in a John Deere.

. . . your wife wears tight leather and it makes her look like a re-tread.

. . . your brother is your wife's favorite son.

. . . your lawn mower gets better mileage than your car.

. . . you run a garden hose from outside, through a window to fill your indoor hot tub.

. . . your local funeral home has a drive-thru.

. . . when you buy your new bride a burned down trailer and tell her you're gonna "fix it up a little" (true story).

. . . you heard that most accidents happen within twenty miles of home, so you moved.

. . . you refer to deer hunting as a religion.

. . . truck drivers tell your wife to watch her language.

. . . you wear a tube top to a wedding

. . . you use your computer as a stereo.

. . . the most common phrase in your house is "someone go jiggle the handle."

. . . you purposely feed the cockroaches.

. . . you shop lift from a yard sale.

. . . you itch your butt in front of your wife.

. . . are missing a lot of teeth.

. . . you have beer cans all over your yard.

. . . you don't take a shower for a long time.

. . . you use the word ain't a lot.

. . . you miss your 5th grade graduation because your are called for jury duty.

. . . your sister is also your aunt.

. . . your toilet is a 5 gallon bucket.

. . . you have 500 men working under you and you cut grass at the cemetery.

. . . you can spit tobacco juice through the holes in your truck's floorboard.

. . . your sister has ever asked to borrow the backhoe.

. . . somebody says, "HO DOWN" and your wife falls to the ground!!

. . . you pave your parking spot just because your neighbor calls you a red neck